I just shared this with two different people:

"I just sat outside smoking a gifted El Ray del Mundo and drinking very very good sake (the remaining Bride of the Fox) listening to the rivaling heady love songs of desperate crickets and blowing smoke shadows against the silhouettes of trees... under the bright light of an only slightly waning moon, watching the mist linger around distant hills.

Then I came in with a light buzz so perfect that typing was sensual and am now listening to a Love and Rockets song smelling of grass and sun and my fingers still lingering cigar.
I thought you'd appreciate it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQM4Igl5AqY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fsearch%2F%3Fq%3DAlex%2BBalestrieri%26init%3Dquick&feature=player_embedded#t=338

"
and

"I just smoked a cigar and drank sake under the moonlight in the grass and trees listening to heady crickets chirp out desperate love songs. AKA I'm madly buzzed right now. Typing has become a sensual experience."

Hope you're lovely!

Does this work if I do it inconsistently?

Today I slept until 1:30, which was a shame since it was so beautiful out but glorious as I clearly needed the sleep.

I decided to go for a hike and actually did it. Mary met up with me after a while.

I reread a little more Oddfish.

I went to the Hideout to practice my zombie dance.

I went to a fabulous art space to help work on the giant paintings being hung behind the main stage at the Hideout Block Party.

Whee.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-internet-suicide,0,1167538.story

You know, the interest in cyber bullying makes me wonder when courts will grow some about adult bullying and verbal and social abuse. Then again, this isn't getting attention for the bullying so much as the use of the internet. I dunno...

and everything is sparkling and hazy.
I'm currently listening to neighborhood kids chant "K-I-S-S-I-N-G". They don't know anything past the first few lines, and they seem unsure about the names. Their voices are timed with eachother and getting louder and louder, circling and cracking, the delighted squealing turning into rough shouting, direct, vicious. A child has started crying, wailing, an still the kids are getting louder and louder, crueler, colder, their voices fevered. They'll stop in cue for a few seconds, a kid still wailng, a cuple of squals, then they'll star up again, synchronized and pitched.
Why aren't the adults standing right there stopping them?

Stuff happened. Woke up. Cleaned. Went to Corri's and watched X-Files episodes with Corri and Monica. Discovered the nauseating affects of watching inbred down home mutant murderers while eating pizza. Went to see Wanted with Dave. Looked at this picture on the internet.

Oh. But as for Wanted...
( snipped for your protection )

Made myself sleep to 1, since I was so exhausted. Read for an hour. Finished the jerky and a Dr. P for breakfast. Finally meandered out around 4 after Mary called to cancel the movie. Dropped off a Netflix and got coffee. Mary came over at 7ish. Pizza was eaten. I got sick from 4 more glasses of soda. Mary did a puzzle with my mum and I read. Severe storm warnings or volunteer firemen call blared, tornado warnings were in effect. Storm broke, we drove to Naperville, met Cynth and co at the Frog for her birthday, Frogged, everyone went home. We wandered Naperville looking at the often fabulous bug sculptures and avoiding fratish drunk boys. Drove home. Storm is apocalyptic, total white blinding, white rays visibly shooting down and flooding streets with light like some kind of alien second coming. Storm still on right now.

So, I missed a few days. I'm going to have to go back. Discipline? ME?

Today however, I woke up in Dennis's room, Mary made me a smoothie, Mary's dad brought home coffee cake, chatted with Mary in the morning...lovely!
Drove to trapeze. Actually made it on time...weird! Took it easy since I sprained my knee. Got up into a front balance on the first try. Fab. My arrows and skin the cat's are going well, but my ab muscles are still too weak to do toe hangs. #$)(#@$*)(#@ I desperately need to beef back up. I also couldn't even do my 6 silk hangs. I've NEVER had that problem before. I should probably do pilates or something.
Got a coffee beverage at a local fav. A large iced latte was 3.80. Stupid Starbucks.
Drove home, gassed my car up for $62, picked up a sandwich, read photo comments on facebook, showered, threw on a pink dress and drove to Liz's.
Narrated for the zombie reading. The actors were really good. The script was really good. Laughed a lot. Drank beer. Drove Bries home. Had a 2 hour conversation with him when we both needed to go to bed. Luckily, Bries is awesome.
Went to CVS. Jerky, Pringles and Dr. P... yeah, I'm all over that healthy diet. Drove home.

Woke up to discover everyone asleep, so no one let Moki out. Poor Moki.
Ran for a few minutes with the dog. Got Dave to come out just as Moki wanted to come in, but they went back out together to play. Very cute. Biked to Caribou with the script, but wrote for a few hours instead with a pen from Jen's wedding.
Biked back to bake brownies, but walked Moki with my mum instead. I love walking dogs. We went up to my aunt's assisted living home. It made me kind of sad because I think the ladies there would have liked Moki to pay them more attention, but he was only into the kitchen smells and dropped food below the tables and probably the lingering scent of the facility's own resident dog.
Came home, drug my mum out, and practiced my monologue. Moki got very excited whenever I exclamation marked. The trap guy came and mom told him her finishing plans for the trap.
Biked to the Metra and barely made it on the train, dripping with sweat and wet hair from my shower. Did well in my trifecta. Apparently the work was "beautiful" and the upsetting parts made the audience uncomfortable. Everyone was really nice. Before I went, one of my classmates said "You're up, Rockstar" which was strange since someone called me that the other day too. They talked a lot about shape. I was excited about the phraise "broken triangles" to describe my "public image". Dakota said there was a similarity in circles through the whole piece. Someone else mentioned the relief in one pose where I held the handle over my head and stuck my legs against the wall. She said as I slid down it seemed like the tension was draining from my body, and I had felt the same way when doing it.
Maybe more later.
My monologue was a mess.
Got home really late. The sub drove me to her neighborhood, and I took the blue line to the Metra without much time to spare. McD was closed (weird). The sub gave me a good feeling of goodness in the universe...go her!
Lost my flower pen I think on the Metra. The train conductor was nice. When I got off he said he thought I was going to Westmont. He must have noticed that I barely got off on the right stop. He winked at me and called me a pet name. A nice older guy or weird? I'd root for the former.
Got home, was so hungry I was nauseous. Something's wrong with my knee. If I straighten it, it's incredibly painful. My foot is hot and tingily. I'm nervous. I hope I just bumped it during my trifecta.
Read more in Cruddy, the Lynda Barry book I started today. Miss the doggie.
And now, to bed.

Went to work for someone new -- Ethan. I was a complete buffoon, from the moment I couldn't even find the doorbell. After behaving like an imbecile for a while, I found out he's also in one of my favorite local bands (with national recognition). Whee!
Got lunch at Brother's K then went to work for Ginna. I think I'm going to have to cap a minimum half day pay.
Stopped at Whole Foods for dinner.
Checked on the skeezy gas station. Still skeezy.
Came home and was greeted by a bathed Moki. Bathed, Moki is blond and half the size. Finished Wolf at the Door. Yeah.
Turned on my computer to write, but didn't do anything but click buttons with sitcoms on in the background. Disgusting.
Wished some people happy birthdays.

Still can't get up in the morning.
My superman boyshort underwear was too small this morning. My bum is too muscled from bike riding. GRRR! I'm terribly sore today from trap. The shoulders, arms and back were to be expected. The backs of the thighs weren't. (I suspect it's from the catcher's hang sit ups and beats.)
Went to Hinsdale with my mum. They don't carry heavy chains at the bike store and I don't have $80 to drop on a ULock that will only lock one of my bikes.
Went to buckstars, found some beautiful plates at a Swiss botique, walked to the funeral parlor. We paid for my dad's gravestone and foundation costs and talked to Brian. His finger isn't healing.
Sara got tests today.
Talked to a friend having a hard time with her family.
Brett has his bar tomorrow.
Found out Moki is spending the night tomorrow. ugh. Although there's a promise of a bath, so perhaps it won't be so bad.
Went to the mall to return a belt. Saw the dress I wanted but couldn't afford on sale.
Went to buckstars and lounged on a divan.
Ditched a going away party in Roger's Park. It's a lot of money to drive up there and I have to be up at 6 for a new job, a client who I have to impress. I feel terrible, but perhaps less than I should. I'm trying not to push myself to the point of hurting myself. And I wonder if that's hurting me in and of itself on some quintessential way.
Wanted to write, but loafed. Caught on on reading Wolf at the Table. Won't expound on it now. I might buy it.
Watched House.
Am currently watching Disc 2 of Young Indiana Jones. Awesome. I love this series.
I feel like running. It's good to stand in body.

Stumbled out of bed from my sleepless haze late.
Got to trapeze just a little late.
Did ok at trapeze. I felt like my front balance, one knee hangs and one arm hangs are getting stronger. My ankle hangs on the regular trapeze were ok and relatively painless, but trying it on the single point was bad. I think the beer in my stomach and lack of breakfast may have been violently upset with anything involving spinning.
Had lots of energy after the workout.
Still didn't climb the new 30ft ceiling silks more than once. (I'm scared! It's high!)
Ditched a block party. Drove up to Lincoln Square to pick up the planner I left at Liz B's. Babbled on the stairwell. Got sushi at Trader Joe's for lunch. Explored on my route home. Drove alongside the I290 until Cicero. While I was in the left turn lane on a red light, a guy jumped out of his car in the far right lane and lunged fists first at the car in front of me. It ran the red and peeled out of there. I don't know what was going on, but what I thought first was how beautiful this man and his act of violence were. He was all dark skin and muscles and fluidity and raw exploded violence. Pumaish. I think I may have some unexpressed anger back.
Got home with enough time to realize I was going to miss library hours. Ran in as they closed, but the sweet librarian got my ordered books for me anyway. Picked up Wolf at the Table, Cruddy and a Dresden book.
Came home and read Wolf at the Table.
Miss my dad. Also, this is well written in a way that was deliciously like cold water on my conciousness.
Watched Dr. Who. Read. Watched the last ep of Foyle's War. Was intently interested in the experience of coming home after WWII. The rules, you know...
Ate bacon. Cleaned out the fridge. Ate ginger noodles with peanuts. Screwed around on the computer.

As an aside, I've been thinking a lot about Rob for the last 3 days. I don't know why. I had a dream about him a few nights ago. It involved a hotel and people running around.

Woke up late. Lounged around reading, cleaning, doing necessary putting. Missed some important stuff including my friend's moving-back-to-Cali sale, but I was really burnt out.
Around 7:30, I left for Paul's. Mary R called me on the way about Twilight.
... The first thing she said about it was the need for the first 250 pages to be 50 pages. We then discussed such things as the merits of century 19 yr. olds, abusive boys, and interesting villain sociopaths. I love talking books with Mary.
Went to Paul W.'s on the south side to a beer brewer's BBQ. 30 selections of home brewed beer and homemade wines. About 12 selections of meats from Bobak's.
Larry was there, which was awesome. His motorcycle is still having "jiggle it" problems, but he drove it down anyway. I need a bike.
I met some people I had met once before. It turns out one of them, Ned, is part of the Chicago Dell'Arte project, which I'd been hearing about. He also spent a year doing marionette work and getting paid about 6wk for it down in Texas. Dreams! He's also in a badass concept production of Dracvla with my friend Bries. Faboo!
His wife is super sweet and funny and has great taste in books. They have great movie suggestions, too. I totally dig them. They are that rare breed of Unakward Married Couple.
Paul and I watched youtube videos because he was mortified that I'd never seen Grayson or Batman Dead End.
I see his point.
Went home about 2:30am. Got in about 3. Exhausted and have to get u the next day except that another baby raccoon got caught in that freaking trap. The poor thing cried all night, and this poor thing was therefore up with it. My stomach swam, my head swam, and it was likly from exhaustion over beer. On my way in, I saw a different raccoon, white faced, peering at me from a fence. I only noticed because I heard banging on said fence. He kept looking at me then over by the trap. I wonder if the little one was already caught by then. I wonder if this other one is freaking out about all of his missing fellow raccoons. I feel terribly about it, but I have no way of knowing what should be done.

Woke up late, didn't really care, showered anyway and was late to work in RP. Got caught in traffic on the way, though. Work was grueling and frustrating. I have to look at positions that are more financially lucritive. My tummy growled while we were working, so she made me a snack. It was kind of adorable.
Went to Metropolis. Saw Greg's bike when I was looking for parking and panicked. How people interpret my raw terror even at his potential presence as adoring stalking is occasionally beyond me. Started reading my friend Liz B's new zombie story. Camptastic.
Want to go on a road trip with Anj and Lex while blasting music like Gogol Bordello.
Went to Liz's to check out her AMAZING apartment, which I'm subletting for a month or two this fall. My love for this girl only grows the more I learn about her. She taught me a new game -- telephone pic. I was really over caffeinated. I need to knock off the excess.
Came home only to get swindled by a gas station. I will probably write more about that later.
Got home early. Played computer games and read my email. Realized I have two sets of plans tonight. Curses!
Went to bed late. Felt anxious and haunted. I don't know why. Something about my dad... about looking for apartments and cleaning out my closet...
This is a very boring blog. I can't figure out why Ben is reading it. *she types, eyebrow raised*

Tried to memorize script. largely failed. Hard to say some of those words casually on account of their piercing naughtiness. Coffee drink gave me a tummy ache.
Left for class about 2. Took the Metra. Didn't pay for 2 rides, so it worked out.
Can't focus. Other things on the mind, I suppose. Wish I could stay home and write tomorrow.
Funk lifting. Stress still here.
Ran into Paul and Doogie outside the AG.
Found out a classmate is having a terrible time. Worried about her and her family.
Started the class with some Feldenkrais. Awesome. Awesome. Totally relaxed into our next exercise. Awesome. Terrified doing our presentations. I hate being not prepared.
I went last, hoping we'd run out of time. No such luck.
Professor said it was beautiful. She said I should work on being more physically broken at the broken parts, which I think I can do. Not sure if she really liked it that much or if she's holding back out of pity and my clear terror of performing after the badass stuff fellow students did.
Girl from class invited me to a party.
Took Metra home so I could catch the 11:40. Ran to station. Sweat everywhere. Train 23 minutes late.
While on train, I noticed the moon. First though, I was looking out the window trying to go over my performance before I forgot it, and this guy starts talking to me. "Checking out how hot you are?" What does that even mean. I told him I was looking at the moon. "Is the moon hot?" I really wasn't sure what to do with this. Ngh.
The moon was amazing, enormous and golden like raised bread. There was a red band around part of it, the inside against the blackness of earth's shadow. I commented and looked out my window in time to stare at an advert proclaiming "Be Seen, Be Red, Be Here" beneath that red rimmed halfish moon.
On the way off the train at Ogilvie, a guy made the comment "everyone's bodies are different."
Made my train home for once. The conductor tried to hide laughing at me when I put my helmet on before I got off the train (to get on my bike:. He looked serious when I dismounted, but when I watched the train pull away he was looking at me clearly amused. I dunno. Biked home fast. Still up at 3am playing word twist. Have to get up in 4 hours for work.
Saw a picture of Lex. She's some kind of crazy beautiful. I miss her so much.

Beautiful day. Lots of bike riding. Woke up at noon. Got coffee first thing. Finished The Vanishing Elephant. Loved the title story. Had a very insightful conversation with Mary R. about Y: The Last Man. Made a new appointment to check out Liz's apartment. Am surprised by how socially awkward I am today.
Found out about James's Odd-Fish signing party. Should be pretty darn fab. While on featherproof books website (who is not James's publisher...he's under Random House,) I ordered Johnathan Messinger's short story anthology Hiding Out, which I probably should have done awhile ago.
Realized that I still need to order my friend Liz B's last novel, The Crazy Garden.
Read the play i should have memorized by now. Am off to work on it. Meh.
Suspect that I'm depressed, not because I'm sad, but because I feel like I'm in the residuals of being "off". Not exactly sure what to do about it. Should write, but still can't get anything out. If I had access to some kind of Astral Plane, this would be a lot easier. Come on professor, come kick down those mental blocks!

Addendum: It's after 11 and I'm cleaning my room instead of doing the work I need to finish before tomorrow. I feel like my dad's been yelling at me. It's a very strange feeling. With the windows open, I feel like I'm in high school again. It smells like high school outside, if that makes any sense.

Stayed home sick most of the day
Got up late. Felt strange and off again.
Got breakfast at 1. Read through all of Y: The Last Man. Cried like a little girl at the ending. Freaking brilliant, that book. Felt my world open a little.
Got on my bike around 5 after being unproductive all day. Got some coffee and read more Murakami short stories. Wrote a lot before it started raining. Talked to Lawrence about Colorado. Talked to my mum about places she went there with my dad. Freaked out about finding money for this trip. Biked home and listened to Ben's muxtape. Felt better after hearing Everybody Wants to Rule the World. The world literally seemed to get lighter. Biked to the park. Read some more. Came home. Ate. Read some more.
Overly identify with the story The Silence. My life is The Silence x 4. x too many years and no graduation. Feel weird about it.
Got a call from Joe C. Could hear his g/f's daughter in the background. Got awkward and hung up. Complicated reasons. Watched House. Listened to the muxtape again...Cry Little Sister. Feel something quite and still through my spine. More like myself, I suppose.
Maybe I've been tired of being strong...am tired.
Spend a while looking for movies like Lost Boys, the Hunger, etc... Feel isolated by the lack of results. Alone.
Watch Blood: The Last Vampire on Netflix instead. I liked the lead English vocal. Otherwise, I was unimpressed, but that and a hot chocolate killed most of my headache.
So, I know what to do. Why can't I seem to just do it? (It's about letting go, just not at all in the way everyone thinks.)
Weird Aside: I'm worried about brain damage. When people get choked out, oxygen is kept from their brain and parts of it start to atrophy and die. I have thought for awhile that 7 years ago something similar happened. I can almost see some gray static man reaching out with little white gloved fingers and squeezing my little gray cells out. Everything about him is gray, tiny bits of black and white. Thousands of lights shot across a TV screen except white fingers wrapping around, inside my head. Strange, hunh? I feel like my brain was in coma, and a couple years ago was suffocated in it's hospital room. And that's why it won't seem to just work properly when I do things like write, like I come upon static brick walls, little white outs that reformatted large chunks of my mind so that I can't access things the way I used too. It's frustrating, little mental blocks. Little dead zones. It's scary.
I know; I didn't say anything in here would make sense. I just thought about this today. I don't know.
I'm going to bed.

I missed Saturday, but I don't really remember what happened. I suppose that's why I'm keeping this, though. My past keeps coming up blanks.
I didn't go to a housewarming or a dinner at Cynth's, largely because I wasn't feeling well. There was a party at my aunt's assisted living facility and I biked over with my camera, but dropped it off without going in because I was nauseous. I think I went for coffee and read from Murakami's The Elephant Vanishes, came home and read some Y: The Last Man. I got back on my bike and sat outside the library and read more, went to get more coffee and read even more. Biked home feeling elated and then lost. Bugs on the windshield. Somehow when I was little I think I walked near where I biked with this girl from Burr Ridge, Amy, but I don't remember how. I remember the back path near the K-Mart and the bowling alley we were going too.
Got home anxious and covered in bug goo. Showered, checked my email, through on the dress I wore the night before and drove to Humboldt. Went to the Clipper to catch some of The Lawrence Peter's Outfit. Met Lawrence's girlfriend. Sat in the clipper drinking beer, listening to country, talking about doctoral degrees. It was a very Joe C night.
Some guy tried to pick me up. I fabricated a boyfriend which helped my scape, but I don't want to do it again. I don't sit well with lying, even fibs like that. Also advice: don't ever ask a girl out by trying to get her to join your band. After cock blocking your friend. And don't push after she says she's seeing someone. And if you had a 5 minute conversation, don't tell her about how you're connecting so well already.

(Aside today: He said something about already knowing what I was afraid of. Am I too open in conversing? My friends think I don't do or say anything strange, but the world is overwhelming with hostility and misinformation. Should I make sacrifices to adjust to girls hitting me in bars and boys spreading rumors. I want to say no, that that kind of behavior and bullying isn't about me. But it has such a debilitating affect that guys like above repulse me, freak me out. I dunno... Ok, while talking with a friend I realized this is stupid. I'm not curbing my language for bullies. I really am off if I'm still worrying about this. I might go for a bike ride and shake it off.)

Another death day, another off day.

I got up to go with my mum to pick out my dad's gravestone (and with it, my mum's).
After, we went for coffee and stopped to look at pretty bikes.
I went home, got funeral info, promptly was too late to go to trapeze. I tried to reach my friend I'm going to sublet from. We had an appointment that afternoon. Went to Myopic; but it was too hot to stay. Ran into Steve K; touching up his mural next to Reckless;. We caught up for about 40 minutes. I went next door to Rodanto say HI to Lawrence P (he was spinning brunch) and suddenly felt utterly burnt out. All day I had been fighting the weirdness, the awkward offness, and it all fell at once. Lawrence convinced me to eat something before i drove again so I had an Argentinian omelette and was there till 3, thus missing the wake. I feel terrible about it.
I felt a *lot* better though. (I wonder if I was freaked out about the wake...)
I got a discounted Starbucks drink. It was ok. I left a message for Liz again, but no answer, so I drove home. On the way, I checked out the new development on the old Sears grounds by Kedzie and the I290.
When I finally got home, I crashed hard. I was in bed from about 5-8 and woke up feeling sick. I ended up staying home reading Y: The Last Man and watching Foyle's War. I didn't even bike down to the postbox to return a Netflix video.
I did however watch Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog before it was pulled. Genius. I wanna be evil Dr. Horrible for Halloween. Also, my faith in Joss is back. Whoo!
And now, back to reading comics...

The last week, as best recalled when listening to country music...

Sunday: I was invited by my friend James to take a tour of a tall ship given by the ship's captain, a man I had heard about for almost a year. The captain, a tall beautiful man, well spoken, with the air of the romance with his wife wound about him, was waiting for us outside the Baltimore II. The ship is a tribute to the original Baltimore, which sunk in trajedy, taking most of the crew with her. This Baltimore survived it's own demasting disaster in which the crew should have died and from which everyone in a moment of raw mericle survived.
She's beautiful, built in the style of the Privateers her namesake came from.
Breakdown:
Took to El to the loop. It was a beautiful day so I walked to Navy Pier. I was given a free M&M ice cream. Was unimpressed but excited for the icecream anyway. Watched Jame's trolley pull in and was late anyway.
Met Captain Jamie T. Toured tall ship. Wandered about for a bit. Thought the crew were hip kats. Found out they were the ship docked next to the Transe Express show the night before.
We met with the band Brilliant Pebbles and had lunch with Jamie at the Fox and Oble.
Wandered around the loop with Heather's nice and nephew before taking the El home with them.
Took a nap.
Went to Anjali's dad's 60th birthday which was an Indian BBQ. Saw Anj, Aaron, Cynth, Hantsch and Drew.
Anjali was kind about my dad. Bad news about my friend's dad.
Was landen with leftovers.

Monday: Worked for Sharon in Edgewater. Took public trans. Made it to the train on my bike in under 10 minutes.
Found out pants ripped at the bum on my way home from the train. Can't figure out why.
Changed, bought lemonade sold by 2 little girls, went to Corri's for Monday night fun.

Tuesday: Felt sick so I got coffee and a Jamba Juice. Was supposed to try bikes with billboards, but the guy never called me back when I called to reschedule. Something else happened that morning, but I don't remember what. Didn't go to trapeze. I think I went to Boarders and wandered and bought a new datebook that night? Went shopping for clothes that won't cling to me in 90+ moist weather. Bought a dress and a blouse.

Wednesday: Interview at Fred Astaire dance Studio. Went well but I don't think I can take the job. Went to the mall across the street. Bought another dress (it's a clearance sale weekend). Had a phone interview. It was so hot that I went to Starbucks. I LOVE this new Starbucks. I know... but it felt like a combination of an old Victorian hunting lodge, an Oscar Wilde novel and a cabana. One of the employees danced for me. I got a free drink. I had a phone interview. I think it went well, although I was nervous. The guy sounds cool.
I was dressed well, felt really good about how I looked. Went home, couldn't find my bag so I had to change into comfy clothes. Drove to the El. Took an hour in rush hour. Went to my Viewpoints class. Totally freaked out and bombed. Got my script to memorize. It's about a girl who was raped 10 years ago. Yeah. Took the El home with Steve. Helped some tourists navigate the Red Line construction. Took the Blue Line home with them. One of the kids, Logan, thought I was pretty cool for a girl. He made me high five him. He's going into 6th grade. (He's into theater, comic books, reading, and so on...) His mom took them to a place outside New Orleans for vacation a few years ago to help rebuild. She just went to Haiti with her church. She's a teacher. Pretty cool family from southern small town Illinois.

Thursday: Got up at 8 to watch my friend Lawrence play on WGN news. Went back to bed 45 minutes later. News reporting makes me angry. Got up late and drove to Rodger's Park. Was 30 minutes late for work. Was too hungry to meet Monica and Corri, so I went to a corner Bakery west on Touhy, the one in the same mall as that spy store. Read some Murakami. Wandered around B&N. Was shocked to find out that their outlets are for employee use only. (My phone was dying.) Bought a map of a different city. Read in my car for a while.
Finally drove to the loop. Something is wrong had been wrong since Corner Bakery. I felt so anxious that, by the time I got to the loop, I thought I would be sick. Parked and went to Grant Park to hear Lamajamal play and watch the dancing. Sat down after a while at a banch. Started writing furiously (hooray) until I guy started talking to me a paragraph later and didn't stop. (BOOO! Don't interrupt people writing.) he's an engineer. Very interested in my independent employment status. Very aggressive. From Iraq. Works nearby. Always comes to Summerdance. Finally the show is over and I run off to say HI to Joey and Ronnie's clan. The guy sees me as I leave and follows me to his car till he gets my number. I can't tell what his intentions are.

Friday: Day off! Sleep late, talk to Liz B. about death. I called her to change plans because I have a wake. She tells me she too has one the next day. The theme of my day is now death. Earlier someone messaged me with a very kind offer to talk to me about the experience of loosing our fathers. Coffee shop girl might go dancing to my reccommends tonight. I still want her mowhawk. Am still off, still very anxious.
I find out that there was an appointment due to some confusion for my dad's toombstone to be picked out without me. I'm pissed. I'm really wound up and I don't know why.
I go to Mary R's to work on a writing project, but really we just catch up. She shows me scrapbooks with advice on how to store things. I forgot how much I like Matt F. until I flip through her photos. We watch movie trailers. I slip into one of my new dressed, red with polka dots, and reluctantly leave for the El. I miss Balkan and Romanian dancing, but got o hear the GHRSQB to square dance. Greg's there and I don't have it in me to deal with the tension, so I just watch Lawrence play and the dancers dance. A guy asks me to dance, I refuse but we get talking. He just moved so I give him my email but he follows me as I'm on my phone about to leave. I've become jumpy around boys. I don't know when they're just being socially weird or scary. I run off to go to my friend's thing at the Music Box and to avoid Greg.
the El is slow so I'm 30 min. late for my friend's TV Pilot being shown at the Music Box. The guy at the door lets me in and I somehow see almost everything anyway. Two of my friends are acting, and they're incredibly good. On the El on the way there, an older man oggles me and I watch his reflection do it in the window. I read a story called Sleep and try not to fall asleep thinking about the machine of Lily's brain.
On my way out, I scratch my leg and come up bleeding. My finger is gushing blood. Lily and lara both blanch. I wrap it up and walk to pick Me Up cafe. A drunk girl tells me I'm gorgeous and some drunk gys try to get me to go get a drink with them. One is very excited when I respond to his Spanish in Spanish, but I dodge them in the end. I get pie and coffee, and my pleasure at this pie makes the server with the curly mustache happy. I walk down to Belmont to pick up a train and run into one of my clown friends on the platform. I haven't seen her in months, and the chances we would see eachother are bizarre. The trains aren't working late. I walked to the farther stop. Etc... We help a confused Irish boy figure out how to get home with Red Line construction. Her day is themed with clowns. It's almost 2 am, and I realize it's a new day, new themes.
By the time I get home, it's almost 4am. There's a raccoon in the skunk trap. I talk to it and I think it likes me. It purrs. It sounds when it talks like a tiny horse whinning. It's ears move like a wolf's. It reaches a hand-paw out to me. I bring it some strawberries and it's interested in them but doesn't eat them. It tips the place and is obsessed with the plate. I twice try to put a bag over the cage when the storm comes. Both times it lunges at me to hard that the cage moves. Finally a corner is draped but it seems uninterested in hiding from the weather there. it curls into a wet little ball. Apparently little studies have been done on Raccoon intelligence, but what has puts it in some ways in the range of intelligent primates. Watching it, I realize it's language is complex. I speak softly to it before the rain. It sleeps through most of the night, unusual for a caught raccoon, and is gone by morning.